She's here

I suck at updating this thing which is pretty obvious since the last post I made I was like 12 weeks pregnant...or maybe even before that.  ANYWAYS, my little baby GIRL is here! She is actually four weeks today <3 and absolute perfection.  Her brothers are in love with her. Her daddy...well...he's a goner. 

Introducing miss Kennedy Paige

Photos with watermark were taken by my friend Jenny Hinzte of JHintze Photography (www.jhintze.com)  She was AMAZING and I'd recommend her to ANYONE (or the one person who reads this thing lol...)

UGH

Some days I just don't feel like a good mother.  This past several weeks I think its been most everyday. 

A couple weeks ago I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep...I laid there thinking about Landen and how amazing he is.  The first several years of his life I really missed out on that.  Being a young mom, although was the best thing that ever happened to me, had a lot of ups and downs. I wonder a lot of times if I did something wrong, if some of his "issues" are because I wasn't there for him, or because I did something wrong.  I know I will never know and that its pointless thinking about but it doesn't make me think any less.  As I laid there I started crying and no joke, Landen showed up.  He asked me if he could snuggle with me.  It was exactly what I needed at that moment to feel like I didn't screw up too bad and to hold onto my kiddo.

I love that boy. 

Today

Today I have something that resembles something I once had...I THINK its energy.  There's not a lot of it but there's more than I've had in weeks.  I've been trying to get the boys' playroom together which is SLOW but its coming. 
I've started feeling the baby move...SO super early, I know, but that's definitely what it is.  Definitely makes me more excited and makes me realize we really are having a baby!  I've been doing all sorts of the "old wives tales" that predict gender (just for fun of course).  Its driving Patrick crazy but I think its fun.  Every single one so far has had a girl result, which is kind of weird.  Makes me think it'll probably be a boy LOL.  We have about 7 more weeks until we find out and I'm getting really antsy!
Here's my latest picture which was almost a week ago now.

Aside from baby stuff, Patrick has been working a lot and has another trip in a couple weeks, this time to New Jersey.  The boys are driving me crazy, whats new.  Owen has hit this horribly challenging time where he is incredibly defiant.  I'm trying my best to deal with it but nothing is getting any response from him so far except him screaming.  Landen is ready for the end of school, as are we.  We're trying to get some projects done around the house so we can start some spring cleaning and organizing before I start gathering baby stuff. 

On the bright side

So, things are going.  I'm having moments of freakoutdom but I think that's normal, at least that's what I'm telling myself. 

My next appointment is the 14th and I'm excited to hear the heartbeat. That's always the point that I feel like I can breathe a little better as far as the health of the baby.  We've decided my car WILL work, at least for now, which was a sigh of relief since we are paying it off soon!  I keep nit-picking at tiny things but I think its just my way of dealing with stuff.  I feel bad that I seem so negative about this pregnancy.  It's really not like that, at least not completely. 

Good things about having another baby

I get to breastfeed again! While its two sided because lets face it, you are tied to the baby for 1-2 years, its also a time you never get back and a time that you really grow close to your little one.

Owen gets to be a big brother! He's really excited about that :)  Landen will be a great teacher and show him the best ways of antagonizing little brothers or sisters.

Patrick and I make really pretty babies.  I'm not being conceited, just honest ;)

I get to buy cloth again.  There will be a fluffy booty around my house again!

I always love seeing Patrick with our babies.  Something about a baby that makes him a little softer and sweeter. 

I will get to experience and share that one of a kind love again.  The kind that you only have for your kiddos. 

Baby snuggles <3

Babies smell so good...most of the time!

My boys will have another sibling.  When I'm old they will have one more person to try and pawn me off on.  One more person to tell stories with about how crazy their mom was...and hopefully how much she loved them.


There are a lot more reasons but those are my today reasons.  I'm also super excited that one of my best friends has decided to have another baby.  It'll be so awesome!  She's an awesome mom and it really would be a shame if she didn't have more! 
We still haven't a clue or a "feeling" of the gender.  For some reason its not bothering me near as much this time as with Owen.  I guess I figure I have no control over it anyways!(not that I would want to)  We haven't talked about names yet either but its still very early.  I did pick out a carseat though. 

Jimminy Cricket

This post might come off wrong...it probably will...but I'm putting it out there anyways.

I'm feeling a lot of guilt lately.  Guilt that I'm not more excited to be pregnant, guilt that I feel like I messed up the plan, guilt for feeling guilty, guilt for getting pregnant and not being more excited when I know so many women would give most anything to exchange places with me.  I know a lot of it is silly...and I know that...but it doesn't change that that's how I feel.  I know without a doubt that things are going to be ok, better than ok really.  Getting pregnant with Landen was in no way in my "plans" and I've said for years that it is without a doubt the best thing that has happened to me.  Both of my kids bring so much to my life, happiness, frustration, laughter, and I've learned so much about myself from them.  I know that this next baby will only add to all that we have as a family.  I'm just honestly having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all.  I don't know if my anxiety issues are playing into it or if its just "normal".  People keep saying very sweet things and are so excited and honestly it makes me feel more guilty that they seem more excited than I am.  I know I've only known for about 3.5 weeks now so its all new...I know there is plenty of time.  I just don't want to be 7 months pregnant and finally "ok" with it. 


I'm showing already.  This picture is actually a week or so old, I think I was about 6 weeks in this picture and I'm about 7.5 now. (and yeah, I know I should have closed the toilet seat first...Landen had just gone to the bathroom and I didn't even notice.)

The best laid plans

You know when you have a plan, a set plan, you are all on board and that's just how its going to be?  You are even taking measures to ensure it works out that way?  Sometimes even the best laid plans don't work out.  Because our plan isn't necessarily THE plan.  Sometimes someone else has a better plan that you don't even know about and get completely surprised by.  That happens sometimes.  It happened to us last week.

Yup.  You read that right.  I'm pregnant!  We're all still in a little state of shock over here!  The boys aren't sure what to think and its honestly very surreal to me.  I feel guilty that I wasn't instantly excited but it was a complete surprise.  My wonderful husband has been..well wonderful and keeps saying that things like this happen for a reason.  He's right :)  I'm excited to see what another child will be like, what kind of personality will he/she/it have, will it have Landen's crazy curly mop or Owen's perfectly straight surfer hair....

This was my first ultrasound this past Thursday (so March 3,2011).  We are very very early, she estimated 4-5 weeks.  My edd right now is November 1, 2011 but will likely change at my next ultrasound on March 16.  Right now we have a "chicken egg" as Patrick so lovingly named it. 

So right now we're all getting used to the idea...looking around our small house and thinking, it'll work.  Wondering how another child will change the family and change us.  We are getting excited.