Jimminy Cricket

This post might come off wrong...it probably will...but I'm putting it out there anyways.

I'm feeling a lot of guilt lately.  Guilt that I'm not more excited to be pregnant, guilt that I feel like I messed up the plan, guilt for feeling guilty, guilt for getting pregnant and not being more excited when I know so many women would give most anything to exchange places with me.  I know a lot of it is silly...and I know that...but it doesn't change that that's how I feel.  I know without a doubt that things are going to be ok, better than ok really.  Getting pregnant with Landen was in no way in my "plans" and I've said for years that it is without a doubt the best thing that has happened to me.  Both of my kids bring so much to my life, happiness, frustration, laughter, and I've learned so much about myself from them.  I know that this next baby will only add to all that we have as a family.  I'm just honestly having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all.  I don't know if my anxiety issues are playing into it or if its just "normal".  People keep saying very sweet things and are so excited and honestly it makes me feel more guilty that they seem more excited than I am.  I know I've only known for about 3.5 weeks now so its all new...I know there is plenty of time.  I just don't want to be 7 months pregnant and finally "ok" with it. 


I'm showing already.  This picture is actually a week or so old, I think I was about 6 weeks in this picture and I'm about 7.5 now. (and yeah, I know I should have closed the toilet seat first...Landen had just gone to the bathroom and I didn't even notice.)

The best laid plans

You know when you have a plan, a set plan, you are all on board and that's just how its going to be?  You are even taking measures to ensure it works out that way?  Sometimes even the best laid plans don't work out.  Because our plan isn't necessarily THE plan.  Sometimes someone else has a better plan that you don't even know about and get completely surprised by.  That happens sometimes.  It happened to us last week.

Yup.  You read that right.  I'm pregnant!  We're all still in a little state of shock over here!  The boys aren't sure what to think and its honestly very surreal to me.  I feel guilty that I wasn't instantly excited but it was a complete surprise.  My wonderful husband has been..well wonderful and keeps saying that things like this happen for a reason.  He's right :)  I'm excited to see what another child will be like, what kind of personality will he/she/it have, will it have Landen's crazy curly mop or Owen's perfectly straight surfer hair....

This was my first ultrasound this past Thursday (so March 3,2011).  We are very very early, she estimated 4-5 weeks.  My edd right now is November 1, 2011 but will likely change at my next ultrasound on March 16.  Right now we have a "chicken egg" as Patrick so lovingly named it. 

So right now we're all getting used to the idea...looking around our small house and thinking, it'll work.  Wondering how another child will change the family and change us.  We are getting excited.